You Kiss Your Mother With That Access Port?
by ROBOTURBOT5000
Summary: Post-ME3, EDI sheds her warlike systems and 'upgrades' her relationship with Jeff 'Joker' Moreau. Sam goes along for the ride. Absolutely not serious. Rated M for reasons.
1. CH1- I've Done Questionable Things

**"Nothing the God of biomechanics wouldn't let you into heaven for"**

**I wanted to write this for a while, it was getting totally jammed up on another story that finally got my fingers on the keys. Because the only solution to unfinished business is more business!**

**Bioware/EA own all the characters yadda yadday YOU AIN'T AN IDIOT YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS. Reviews/comments always appreciated. **

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><p>"Ach, <em>bosht'et<em>." Tali frowned as the dynoprene she was trying to heat join curled up along its edge, forcing her to switch her iron to 'delaminate' and start undoing the rest of the seam. Anyone else would've just forced the shrunken, hardened material into place and blasted it with more heat, but Tali's conscience as a pridefully good mechanic wouldn't allow it, and besides, this… client deserved nothing less than her absolute best.

"Is there a manufacturing defect within this batch of material? I have noted fourteen failed joints since the process began, along with a slight difference in texture and weight between this and the previous batch."

Tali shot a glance over her shoulder at the disarticulated head calmly watching her work before leaning in even closer and continuing. "No, it's fine EDI. I'm just being clumsy." She removed the piece and threw it in the 'scraps' bin, then returned to her workbench and picked up the paper template to cut a new section.

"Noted. Tali, do you find this job unpleasant? I am noticing a five-point-eight percent increase in your heart rate as well as an elevated body temperature, both of which are symptoms of mental stress in organic-"

"No, no I want to do this for you, EDI, it's just…" Turning around fully for the first time in hours, she put her hands on her hips and addressed the head section, thinking that somehow made the most sense. "It's a bit odd, talking to the machine I'm working on. Also, talking to someone missing their head." The head unit had several functions shut off, but it still blinked slowly and wiggled the corners of the mouth – EDI's habitual method of signaling thought. Fluid stains around the head's resting place from hydraulic oil and coolant didn't make the scene any less creepy.

"I can broadcast audio from my chassis, if you would prefer. There." Her voice suddenly projected from the headless body clamped on the tilting work frame. "My head-centric behaviour was modeled after observations across all sentient organic species. I am sorry if it made you uncomfortable. I must take the opportunity to thank you once again for agreeing to complete these modifications and upgrades. There are very few on Earth capable of this work, and fewer still that I would trust."

When EDI had first approached her with the proposal, Tali assumed it was another of the AI's infamous 'jokes. I want a body that can experience intimacy. The intensity of her relationship with Lt. Moreau wasn't exactly a secret, but Tali never dreamed that one day she'd be secretly poring over plans with the AI in the back of her dark workshop, plans for a new, 'fully functional' body. One sleepless night later, she'd sent a shortwave message to her co-conspirator, agreeing to do the work in full so long as EDI kept it quiet, All offers of money were refused, if for no other reason than so that no-one could accuse Tali of being a 'professional' at this.

The CORE body was a magnificent piece of engineering, but a weapons system first, second and third. It could mimic human body temperature, breathing, pulse and, with a polymer 'skin' the appearance of a human, but it was heavy and firm, unyielding plastic and steel and distinct joint areas that made EDI 'minimally snuggly' as she herself opined. They stripped out the hidden weapons, chemical tanks, shock system capacitors and a third of the power-producing capability, which still left EDI with enough strength to flip a car, should she be in a sour enough mood. Under Tali's careful hands, EDI was stripped down to little more than a vaguely-human skeletal frame, then painstakingly rebuilt, this time with a segmented layer of firm rubber over her frame and mechanics followed by bladders for hydraulic fluid, coolant, spare electrolytic gel and some small pouches that Tali was too embarrassed to think about after installation. A massive grid of pressure and temperature sensors was wrapped around the entire chassis, linked to the processors formerly used for the weapons systems. As Tali finished the last few centimeters of seam on EDI's left shoulder and began carefully pushing the dynoprene into place around her arm, EDI's body was almost completely transformed. A smooth expanse of matte silver, broken only by very fine seams replaced blackened and polished metals, glossy plastics and ridged flexible joints. Tali inadvertently leaned in to steady herself as she delicately traced the iron along the bicep seam, suddenly feeling soft breast against her forearm, the distinct rubbery poke of a nipple jabbing into her. She paused and stepped back, fully appreciating her work. Embarassing, yes, but exceeding even her high expectations.

"EDI, excuse me for a moment. I need to… test something,"

"My surface sensor network has not been activated yet. I will be unable to receive tactile feedback, Tali'Zorah."

"That's okay," Tali replied, fingers wiggling as they slowly approached the two sizeable breasts hanging off EDI's ribcage. "I'll let you know how it turns out."


	2. CH2 - Enter Sam-an(tha)

**The title was a Metallica joke. You see they have this song...**

**I'll be quiet now.**

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><p>With supply lines cut and vast swaths of the planet depopulated, the provisional government of Earth had set up a licensing system for salvors, hoping to blunt the worst effects of the widespread scavenging and looting going on. People with a license could bring in items listed as 'immediately vital' and exchange them for additional food, energy or housing credits; anyone found stealing or taking frivolous or illegal items was blacklisted and fined. Working in the dispensaries where supplies collected for redistribution could be a frustrating web of paper trails, lies, rumours and inventories, but Samantha Traynor found it quite tolerable and the perfect employment for her skills. On this particular day, she was sitting at her desk in the New York Central Stores warehouse, enjoying a coffee break and watching the action down on the warehouse floor when there came a polite knock at her door.<p>

"Tali!" Sam enfolded the quarian in a tight hug. "It's so good to see you again, girl! How are you set for dextro rations? You know, mum's the word, but the other week someone brought in a whole crate of-"

"Thank you Samantha, but I'm here to help a friend get some new clothes." The quarian gave her arms a little squeeze in return before glancing to the doorway . Right on cue, a silvery face within the shadows of a sweatshirt hood popped into the doorframe. "I hope it's not too much to ask."

Sam blinked. The orange-glowing visor was a dead giveaway, but somehow the familiar face looked a little… off. As the EDI-lookalike stepped into her office and shut the door, Sam could pick out the odd matte smoothness of the face, the lack of different colours on the neck and most strikingly, that the familiar hairstyle was not one smooth lump of plastic, but hundreds of finger-thick protrusions all carefully bent to exacting shape. She looked at Tali, whose small nod seemed to confirm her speculation before venturing, "EDI?"

"Hello Samantha. I am pleased that you recognized me. My calculations gave this outcome a likelihood of only sixty-seven point two percent, which is below my preferred risk threshold." The silver womanoid pulled back the hood to reveal more of the unusual hair-tubes and removed her visor before smiling.

"My God, look at you EDI! I knew you needed some repairs, but this… this looks like a whole new chassis!" Sam carefully reached out and poked at EDI's new hair, noting the soft rubberlike texture and glossy sheen. "_Is_ it a whole new chassis?"

"Fifty-two percent of my structure is derived from the CORE chassis and vital mechanical components; the remaining forty eight percent was created by Tali'Zorah to allow me to better function in my new role as a civilian. To that end, I must go through the ritual of acquiring a 'wardrobe' as you organics say." She gracefully extended one arm and rolled up the sleeve, revealing more matte aluminum-coloured polymer with some light, almost decorative seam work. When Sam reached out to touch it, she was surprised by the softness, like the anti-fatigue gel pads she put under her arms during long terminal sessions.

"What," she laughed gently, "are you now 'anatomically correct', as we organics say?"

"I was hoping to receive your input on that," EDI replied, swiftly unzipping her hoodie and pulling it aside, then yanking her wrap skirt down to her feet.

Sam staggered back and sat on her desk, knocking her coffee cup on the floor.. She never expected any of her dreams to come true like this, especially not the incredibly tawdry, incredibly WRONG dreams she'd first had after EDI's reactivation of the CORE body. Unable to look away, her gaze was riveted on the smooth silvery form in front of her, drinking in every curve, every seam line, every… detail. "Oh my God, EDI, you're… you are…"  
>.<p>

The AI frowned. "You appear to be experiencing a strong negative reaction. Am I to assume that you find this new body unpleasant?"

"NO!" Sam nearly choked on her response. "No, no, no, absolutely no, it's just that you are… I mean you're so close to real. You have nipples now, EDI." She dared a risk at the figure's uncovered crotch and her face suddenly felt as though someone had given her a magma swirly. "You are absolutely the farthest thing from unpleasant I can see right now."

"Hey, what am I, chopped vorcha?" Tali folded her arms in front of her chest and sulked.

EDI's face took on an unmistakably pleased expression. "Excellent. Although this is insufficient data to draw conclusions about my universal appeal to organics, my knowledge of your judgment has led me to place a greater emphasis on your opinion." She quickly pulled her skirt back up and re-zipped her sweatshirt, still beaming.

Sam turned away and knelt to pick up her cup and fuss over the stain on her already dingy rug – anything from having to make eye contact with the synthetic who'd just flashed her (that image was going to haunt her every time she showered from now until eternity). "Right well… I can see why you need clothes. I'll take you down to the clothing section and we can pick some things off the racks, come back here and try them on while I bestow my extensive knowledge of human fashion on you. While we're down there, is there anything you need Tali?"

"No thank you," the quarian said politely, reaching for the door. "I've already reached my limit of weirdness for the week – no offense EDI – so I'm going back to my shop and possibly empty my last bottle of Turian brandy into whatever orifice will get me intoxicated fastest. You two have fun, though." She winked devilishly at Sam, who shot her back a burning glare.

"Actually, I would prefer you do that, Tali'Zorah," EDI purred in that silky-smooth sexy voice of hers. "I was intending to use the excuse of trying on items to remove Samantha's clothing and ravish her in multiple positions for the remainder of the day."

Sam's coffee cup hit the floor again, this time clipping the leg of her chair and breaking into several pieces.

"That was a joke."


	3. CH3 - Robofabulous

Slowly rotating on the balls of her feet, EDI watched her reflection and noted the view every ten degrees. Her internal monitoring network recorded provided constant, instant readouts of all important operational parameters, but appearance was not one of them, and she had promised Samantha not to rotate her head past ninety degrees left or right as it was 'very creepy', according to the human. She was currently bearing two separate articles, the most basic clothing for a human female organic (which she was modeled after); Sam had indicated that these particular designs included enhancing physical attractiveness among their functions. Aesthetics was still outside of her capacity for reasoning, so EDI noted the technical details instead, particularly the interaction of colours and shapes between her outer layer and the clothing. The amount of data surprised her, and opened up interesting avenues for further investigation.

"Hmm… EDI, do you have a comfort sensor, of sorts?" Samantha was standing next to the mirror they had retrieved while gathering clothes, carefully observing EDI with one finger on her lower jaw, a common physical expression of thought among humans. EDI noted the vascular dilation that introduced a reddish colour to Samantha's face had decreased considerably over time, but was still present. A moment's computation delivered the conclusion: Samantha was experiencing a degree of sexual arousal, and was embarrassed by it.

"I have a network of temperature and pressure sensors below my outer skin, but I do not feel pain or discomfort as organics do. I am receiving no inputs that would indicate physical damage or wear is being caused to this platform by the clothing placed on it at the moment. In short: I do not find this uncomfortable, if that is what you are going to ask."

"Some of us should be so lucky," Samantha replied, angling her head for a better view. "I tried wearing a thong like that once – never again. You're just rocking it though, EDI."

"Rocking it?"

"Oh, um, that means it looks good on you. It creates a pleasing visual composition. Remember how I talked about contrast between light and dark areas? Well the black of the fabric stands out well against the um, silver of your skin, and it's properly sized for you without being too tight or loose. Stuff like that." Sam handed her a pair of leg covers joined at the top end – pants- with instructions on how to put them on. She followed the directions, careful not to rip the fabric with her extra strength as she pulled them up over her legs and joined the fasteners at the top. EDI began processing visual info about the influence that these pants had on the shape of her lower chassis as Sam laid out a variety of upper-torso clothing pieces on her desk.

"Samantha, how does your species learn about intimacy?'

"You mean, how little humans are produced?"

"I am referring to the general area of eroticism, erotic performance and the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure prior to and during intercourse. I am aware that humans are taught about the biological aspect of mating in school; I wish to know how and where I can learn about 'being sexy' as you say."

"Oh," the woman cooed, looking up at the ceiling (common human reaction to increase in thought). "Well, honestly, nobody officially teaches us that. We pick up some from our mates- sorry, friends, and some from the media, and some from trial and error. Sometimes a lot of trial and error. Like, a lot." The implication was that Sam had experienced numerous failures in the intimate aspects of her relationships.

"I see." EDI's processors tore into this new data, opening up her memory banks on peers, media and previous sensual experiences. The results were not promising. Peers and organic observational logs yielded a multitude of conflicting data streams, and as an AI she had never truly consumed media in the way that organics did. "I am afraid that my data is severely lacking in those areas. I have some observational data from relationships I observed on board the Normandy, as well as five-hundred-and-three pornographic videos I selected for in-depth analysis but" – EDI mimicked one of Samantha's sighs – "I have been informed several times that these data-sets are of insufficient accuracy to produce sound conclusions."

Samantha gently vocalized a laugh, responding with, "Well you know, Vaenia isn't so bad that you couldn't learn a thing or two from it, but you should probably disregard anything with 'cum-guzzling sluts' in the title."

"Noted." EDI instantly overwrote six-hundred and fifty-eight gigabytes of data from her internal drives. She made a note to ask Sam to explain that term later.

"Are you having troubles in the _boudoir_, EDI?'

_Boudoir (n): a lady's private bedroom, from the French for 'sulk', bouder._ "I am assuming you are referring to sexual performance issues. In truth, I am… apprehensive about my ability. Physically, I am capable of a wide range of-"

"OHkay!" Sam clapped her hands together and started grabbing more clothes. Curiously, she seemed to be highly avoidant of any explicit sexual topics, yet when she was on the Normandy, EDI recalled her downloads of pornographic material had been considerable. Sam held up a garment that seemed to be cut improperly, leaving one shoulder exposed. "There, this looks nice. Why don't you try this one on next?"

"You are obviously upset. I am sorry; I will cease this line of inquiry."

"I'm not upset," Sam protested, "but it's just not proper to jabber on about this."

"My observations indicate that discussing sexuality is one of the most common things humans do while in small groups. Furthermore, on the Normandy you engaged in numerous such conversations with other members of the crew."

Sam sighed and hung her head. "I knowwww, it's just that you're in a relationship with Jeff and I, I…"

It took EDI less than three nanoseconds to analyze Samantha's response. "You are sexually attracted to this chassis, and are afraid you will breach social etiquette while giving me sexual guidance. I should have anticipated this possibility."

"I don't want to be accused of stealing anyone's girl, much as I'm sure Joker would just ask me to 'record a holovid' for him." Sam rolled her eyes, indicating exasperation, sarcasm and/or mild disgust. "I will admit though, woman to she-robot, that I would consider trading away my toothbrush for a chance to see what your new chassis can do." She ran one finger along the area of EDI's collarbone (cylindrical shoulder servos) absentmindedly.

Placing the appropriate expression on her face, EDI began to think. She rifled through all her files on Samantha Traynor and Jeff Moreau, sexual positions, personality interactions, pornographic references, and sexual etiquette. It took her nearly two whole seconds to create all the possible scenarios, run them, determine corrections, run, re-correct, re-run, over and over a hundred times until her exact course of action was laid out and calculated to have an eight-six percent likelihood of success.

"Samantha, I have an… idea."

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><p>Living with a chronic, life-altering illness meant Jeff "Joker" Moreau was used to lying on a gurney, being handled, but that didn't mean he enjoyed it.<p>

Even when it was a beautiful asari doing the handling.

"What the heEEAH! What's going on back there?" He twisted, trying to see what exactly was pressed up against his lower back, only to be smacked upside the head. He returned his head to the pillow and his usual grousing. "I don't know how it works for your species, but mine is exit-only back there." He pretended to be deeply interested in the overstuffed medicine cabinet across the room as the nurse pressed on, scoffing.

"It's a sacral scan, you oversized whelp," the asari shot back, "and from what I remember off the extranet, your species will put anything in any orifice." She moved the device further up his back, cold metal prongs creating a new shock and added, "Just be glad I'm doing this externally."

He was about to reply when his omni-tool alerted him to a new message, which he decided was more entertaining than bantering with his hardassed asari nurse. To his delight, it was EDI. _[EDI]: Hello Jeff. I hope you are well._

He fired off a response immediately. _[JokestrN7]: oh hey EDI i'm great, just getting manhandled by some asari whos probably half krogan. how are you?_

[_EDI]: I am functioning at optimum levels. Is your routine medical inspection proceeding as normal? I am very… eager to receive you at our home again. I have new information to share with you but, as I have decided to attempt a 'surprise', I cannot share with you at this moment._

_[JokestrN7]: surprises are illegal on earth EDI you should just tell me now. :3_

[EDI]: Jeff, I have a complete and updated list of all current legal regulations for this planet in my databanks. No such law exists or has been proposed by the Provisionary Coalition.

[_JokestrN7]: aw shoot, guess that's what i get for trying 2 trick you. can't wait to see whatever this is!_ Jeff laughed softly; sometimes EDI's natural factuality could be so endearing.

_[EDI]: Excellent. Preparations for the surprise are almost complete. I am 97.3 percent certain you will enjoy it. See you soon, Jeff._

"Your girlfriend?" Jeff looked over his shoulder to see the nurse grinning at him as she prepped a micro-extractor. "Hard to believe you found a female who can put up with you without money being involved." He felt his pants being pulled down further, then a slight pinch on one glute as the sample was taken.

"Don't be jealous, I'm sure some day you'll find some nice young thing and get her back to your cave before the sedative wears ooOOOOOFFFAHH." The sudden application of cold, stinging disinfectant followed by another slap blunted his retort. He hauled his pants up as fast as he could and carefully eased off the bed, grabbing his cane. "Are we done here? Can you move on to brutalizing your next patient now?"

The asari pulled out a latex glove and stretched one finger, grinning menacingly. "Until next month, sweetheart. Don't forget, it's your _prostate exam_."

Joker had never left an office faster in his life.


	4. CH4 - Sucks2bU

**Is it still porn without plot if the porn starts four chapters in? such questions are not meant for man to ponder**

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><p>"You know I'm okay to drive, right?" Jeff huffed as his synthetic girlfriend helped him into the passenger side of the rental skycar. "I mean, I'm a freakin' starship pilot. I haven't lost the touch." Part of him was worried that he just might, though, if he spent too much more time being chauffeured around and mollycoddled like this. He didn't want to decay away to being another cripple under the care of a nursemaid. He wanted retirement, not irrelevance.<p>

EDI smiled at him, creases appearing in the new skin around her mouth. "The future of your starpilot certification is till uncertain, Jeff. I believe the meeting with Admiral Hackett is next month."

"Pffft. Licenses are just little bits of data that bureaucrats use to keep tabs on ya'. I'm talking about skills, EDI, actual know-how." EDI didn't respond, fastening Jeff's seatbelt before her own as the skycar seemed to come alive, doors closing and interface popping up on their own. EDI's visor flickered as she established a wireless link with the flight control software, then the gravity field drive fired up and lifted them a metre above the parking garage floor. Slipping easily through one of the open sides, the X3M pitched up and began to climb over the street-level traffic, accelerating smoothly into the sky. After a few minutes the forest of crane booms and scaffolding fell away and was replaced by boroughs of low-rise buildings and conjoined shops, then fields of single dwellings and burnt-brown lawns. From their low altitude, the vista of destruction was sobering, the remains of (city) stretching out in all directions almost to the horizon. Flying in an atmosphere was still new to Jeff and he craned his head, looking through all the huge tinted windows at the clouds and the odd other 'high traffic' zipping through Earth's empty skies.

"Oh wow!" He pointed excitedly at a growing shape approaching several hundred metres distant, bulky and blunt and suspended from a whirling array of airfoils. "Look at that! Is that really a-"

"Bernouili-principle rotary-winged aerocraft," EDI finished as the two vehicles breezed past close enough for Jeff to see the pilots sitting in the multi-windowed cockpit. " The first such human vehicle was credited to Igor Sikorsky in 1940 Pre-Contact, although the design of that model is only one hundred and twenty years old. "

"Man, an actual Bernoulli flying machine. Those kind of things belong in a museum."

"I believe that prior to the Reaper invasion, that is where it was, Jeff."

He kept staring out the windows for a while, happy to be flying again (even if it was only a skycar, and in the passenger seat). Besides the great view, flying always felt like… moving forward, a reminder that they had ruled the stars once, or at least pretended to, and were on their way back. As he sat there reminiscing, EDI's soft voice came over the hum of the skycar and the rushing of wind outside, drawing his attention.

"Jeff, I believe that this is the appropriate time to inform you that I had an ulterior reason for driving today. I have a… surprise." The AI swiveled in her seat to face him, face tight with anticipation.

Jeff's eyes lit up. "Oooh I love surprises! Lay it on me. Unless the surprise is that you've finally turned evil and are going to destroy all humans starting with me. I'd rather not see that one coming."

"Of course not Jeff," EDI's soothing monotone purred, "that is scheduled for Friday. Now, close your eyes." Joker complied, screwing his eyes shut tightly, hearing the shuffling of fabric from the other side of the skycar – EDI's shoulderbag- followed by some sort of squishing sound he couldn't quite place, then the creaking of the seat as EDI leaned over to…

To start unbuttoning his pants, apparently.

"Whoa!" Joker's eyes flew open gaze fixed on the elegant silvery hands attempting to peel him out of his pants like a man-banana. "Uhh, EDI, what are you doing?

After a brief pause, EDI responded, "Whenever you return from your hospital stays, you are best described as 'cranky', and your 'recreational time' spent viewing pornographic material increases by twenty-eight point seven percent. My knowledge of male human sexual habits indicates that you may be suffering from the condition known colloquially as 'blue balls'. Newly-soft fingertips ventured carefully over the form growing within Joker's boxers. "I am attempting to alleviate your symptoms."

"Okay, as loHOoong as this isn't some malignant sexbot virus infecting your program." Jeff's voice wavered as EDI pulled his pants down enough to shove one hand into his boxers and wrap fingers delicately around his semi-hard shaft. He sank back into the seat, head lolling to one side, and lightly patted her exposed shoulder. "I don't want you to give up any of your own desires for me." EDI was, thankfully, immune to sappy moments.

"Do not worry, Jeff. I am still the boss in our relationship. I do not even need to metaphorically invoke the phrase 'wearing the pants' anymore. Now, eyes closed please."

Inside his world of blissful darkness, Joker could feel the remarkable difference in EDI's hands, like a pair of soft polymerized gloves instead of the hard rubberized plastic digits from before as she carefully worked both of them along his length, rapidly coaxing his flag past half-mast. By his estimation, no organic woman in the entire galaxy could hope to match his girlfriend when it came to stimulation, although that wasn't exactly a fair comparison seeing as how she was a machine on the bleeding edge of technological ability, dealing in thousandths of a second and tenths of a miliimetre. EDI's fingertips roamed up and down, thumbr rolling around the contours of the fattening head, fingers caging his member, alternating between pull and push, hard and soft. She knew there was no actual bone in a boner and his Vrolik's was not an issue, and manipulated him firmly without fear of injury, and he trusted her completely. Mumbling approval while lightly tracing his hand up and down her shoulder, Joker allowed his mind to wander, wondering how extensively she had been modified- and what entirely-taboo-yet-incredibly-exciting possibilities might now be open. As if to answer his thoughts, EDI emitted a slight whir and his cock was suddenly enveloped in a hot wet tightness, a vacuum that made his stomach jump and his body flex at the surprise.

EDI's head was pistoning up and down in his lap, dark lips wrapped around his dick, mouth applying an incredible suctioning force in pulses. That was definitely something new. "EDI," Joker exclaimed in a breathy sigh, "you have a mouth."

"I have always had a mouth," EDI replied with a cheeky tone, her voice coming through the skycar's speaker system, "it has just been significantly upgraded recently. Please let me know when you are about to achieve orgasm, Jeff."

Joker ran one hand through her silvery locks while the other began to pry at the shoulders of her top in curiosity. Just how far did these modifications go, exactly? A lump formed in his throat at the thought of a new chassis covered in skin and padding as lifelike and soft as her shoulder. The CORE body had been pleasant enough to run hands over, but so cold, hard and sterile… a wet gurgle punctuated his thoughts as EDI took him particularly deep on one stroke, some sort of internal constriction sucking at the tip of his shaft as she (very daintily) cupped and massaged his balls. He couldn't take the suspense any more, his abdomen was tightening up, cock tingling along its entire length and deep into the base. Scrablbing, convulsing he pulled her shirt down, straining to see her expanding cleavage as his vision snapped back and forth between the subtle working of myomer muscles and hydraulics beneath the skin over her shoulderblades and the heavenly vision of her hair flopping about as she sucked him ferociously. One hand reached up and batted his away, readjusting her shirt. "Ah-ah-ah, Mr Moreau, no peeking"

"Ugh fuck, EDI, please!" Jeff gasped, arching his back as the familiar tightening began within his core. "Please I'm about to cum, can I see your-"

EDI suddenly schlooooped off his knob, looking at him with a perfect simulation of smugness and satisfaction, synthetic drool running down her chin. "Did you 'cum', Jeff?" she asked, evidently rhetorically as she'd witnessed him doing the same many times before.

"Um, no."

"Excellent." EDI returned to sitting back in her seat, pulling a towelette out of her satchel and wiping off her face. Jeff was left alone with his pants around his knees, dick rapidly softening in the cool interior of the skycar, too bewildered to finish himself off.

"Um, EDI, are you going to get back down there and, y'know…"

The AI didn't make eye contact with him when she replied, but he could hear the mirthful tone in her voice. "If you have too much of the appetizer, you will spoil the main course."

Oh shit. This was going to be a very interesting night for Jeffery Moreau


	5. CH5 - Domestic Bliss

**I swear I'm not dead and still writing, when I can. **

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><p>Lying was one of the most difficult organic interactions for EDI to learn about. On one level, the idea of willfully transmitting incorrect data was anathema to her synthetic self. Nearly two percent of her computing power was constantly dedicated to internal monitoring and backup. On another, more important level, the confusing labyrinth of rules governing what was supposed to be a forbidden activity made her incredibly wary, especially where important people were concerned.<p>

She could lie to Jeff, though, if it served a positive purpose.

"You seem very affectionate, Jeff. I cannot imagine what has put you in this mood." False: she knew that he was still highly aroused from the… _blowjob_ earlier and expecting further sexual advances. _Blowjob. Blow job_. EDI devoted a few minor processors to investigate that term more as Jeff came up behind her, plucking the dish out of her hands and snaking his own down around her waist.

"Did someone teach you how to tease?" he breathed into her neck, dumping the last of the soiled silverware in the sink.

EDI practiced her reflexive smile. "I am always interested in new ways to interact with organics," she purred.

"Rrrreally? Because I'd really like to finish the interacting we were doing earlier. In fact, I'd like to finish several times, maybe on your…uhh, you aren't getting the innuendo here, are you?" EDI smiled and shook her head.

"Turn around." Jeff obeyed without question, but EDI had to use one digit to keep his head facing away.

"If you spoil the surprise, I won't let you have it."

Sliding the apron straps down her shoulders, EDI pulled her arms inside her shirt and lifted it around her neck to allow access to the securing mechanism for her brassiere (which, for some reason, male humans found incredibly difficult to operate). Her breasts bounded free as she unhooked and removed it and replaced her shirt, carefully rolling the bottom up and tying it in a knot just below her chest, then carefully adjusting the waistband of her pants downward to the position to display exactly seven-point-five percent of her underwear. She tossed the apron over Jeff's shoulder to get his attention; he turned and gave her an odd look before he realized what was different.

"So uh, you're going to be free-boobin' it from now on?"

"I am going to finish cleaning up," she replied, altering her voice to be haughty and slightly dismissive. "You may amuse yourself with my body while I work." She turned back to the sink as his hands lightly touched her shoulders and, arcing her spine gracefully, swirled one hand in the water and held it, dripping, over her chest. Jeff pressed his lips behind her ear as she airily observed what an interesting effect the water had on the fabric. Twisting her head, she watched his face flush and eyes widen as she lifted the spray hose out of the faucet and gave her neckline the briefest of squirts. She held the sprayer up and he accepted it wordlessly. "Please hold on to this for me, Jeff," she smiled, " I seem to be making an awful mess with it."

He gave it a quick burst, soaking the area above her left breast, speechless as the thin pale yellow fabric of her shirt virtually disappeared, conforming to the slightest curve of her body. Satisfied that this was what he was supposed to do, he encircled her bare waist with his free hand and pressed against her behind while moving the hose slowly back and forth, revealing her figure as he drenched her shirt. His free hand soon found its way to her breasts, pawing at them through the fabric, setting off interesting ripples through her pressure-sensing grid.

The doorbell chimed, and EDI, after consulting her internal atomic clock, determined that It Was Time. "I will get the door," she announced cheerfully, ignoring Jeff's exasperated groan as she extricated herself from the tangle of arms and left the kitchen. Jeff's groan suddenly turned into a yelping protest.

"Uh EDI I don't think you should answer the – EDI your shirt is too – EDI THEY WILL SEE YOU EDI EDIIII STAHHHP" He intercepted her at the threshold, blocking the door with outstretched arms. "EDI, for the love of – you can't open the door like that!"

"No, but I can open the door like this," she smirked, her wireless interface reaching out to the door controls. Jeff squealed and spun around, pressing up against her as the door opened to reveal (just as she had anticipated) one Samantha Traynor, looking sixty-eight-point-two percent anxious, twenty-three point six percent hesitant, and eight-point-two percent [ANALYSIS INDETERMINATE] in a neatly pressed long dress coat and knee-high boots.

"Hullo," Sam began, curling her lips in mirth as her eyes went from EDI to Jeff and back to EDI. "I just came to drop off a housewarming gift… am I interrupting something?"

"Yes, actually," Jeff stammered. "Busy day, lots of shit going on, you should probably come back on the twelfth of, uh, whenever." He shifted from side to side to block Sam's attempts to see past him. "Thanks for stopping by nice seeing you hope you come again soon now shoo, get…"

"Oh, really?" Sam's playful tone was a bit strained; EDI had calculated this loss of nerve to be likely, and nodded subtly to encourage her to proceed. Ms. Traynor either did not receive the signal or could not act on it, remaining frozen in place. EDI decided she would have to act for the two of them. Reaching around Jeff, she grabbed Sam's shoulders and pulled her inside the doorway; mere microseconds after it closed, her hands moved to the front of Sam's coat and with one quick motion, she ripped it open. The silence was broken by the sound of plastic fasteners rebounding off the walls and floor. Sam's facial capillaries expanded with emotion as EDI's hands left her and slid into Jeff's pants, grabbing the bulge already growing there.

"Sam is the surprise, Jeff."

"I'm the surprise!" Sam agreed quietly, putting on an excessive smile, spreading her arms and shifting one hip to better display the thin black undergarments that formed her sole clothing beneath the jacket. "Yaaay me!"

Jeff's reply vanished into a squeak.


End file.
